One evening, in between gulps of Super Dry, one of my friends was seriously concerned his wife may be a fake 80s baby.

He explained that advances in plastic surgery may have made his wife look much younger than her real age. He was worried that she might really be a 70s or, perish the thought, a 60s baby!


So after that night, I set out to compile another list of items to see if your wife is a real 80s baby.





You know your wife’s a real 80s BABY if:

  • She effortlessly speaks straight English without that annoying twang.
  • Her chest is made of Original Equipment from the Manufacturer or OEM.
  • She wears Denenes or Nenuco baby cologne.
  • She has the straightest teeth, having endured years of agony from wearing braces.
  • She can wear red shoes with absolutely anything.
  • She dances exactly like you, but with only half the funking, strutting, and moonwalking.
  • She knows who Remington Steele really is.
  • She drinks alcohol only from a glass and never from the bottle, mainly because she doesn’t know which waiter popped the cap with his teeth.
  • She can name that tune when the opening bars of Dancing Tight are played.
  • She watched the fairy tale wedding of Princess Diana from start to finish.


Now if your wife fails this test, then I’m sorry, your wife is a spy or worse, a sleeper agent!

And since you already married her, your only option is to convert her to the dark side by chaining her to an 80s chair and having her watch the entire series of Dynasty, Falcon Crest, Dallas, and Knot's Landing, twenty four hours a day for at least a month.

Hopefully after the brainwashing, eh, I mean indoctrination, she will be a fully adopted 80s baby.

And while that may not be ideal, it’s better than being stuck with someone whose mind comes from another decade!

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