Enlightenment in a Restroom

Our office air conditioner has been out for almost a week and we’re frying in there.

My wonderful boss, who doesn’t have to physically be in the office as he works, is nowhere to be found. Although the security guard said he’s been spotting him at a nearby coffee shop reading newspapers and magazines all day.

Well since I have to punch in and out or I don’t get paid, I have resorted to drinking tons of water to keep me cool.

The effect of this, other than keeping my chair damp, is that I need to visit the rest room often to relieve myself. And when I say often, I mean that I’m there at least once every hour. It’s either that or I pick a corner in the office…

You know, there is a lot to learn by visiting the rest room. I have become so enlightened that I feel it is my duty to this higher knowledge with you.

The first is that a restroom is one of the busiest places in an office. Similar to the L.A. Airport in the U.S. or Heathrow Airport in the U.K., people are always coming and going. Not only that, but you get a wide variety of people in there.

But the biggest thing I learned about rest rooms is that men don’t like talking in it. Unlike a female restroom wherein chatter is at its maximum, most male room chatter is related to a nod.

Now if you happen to come across a really chatty reliever, he might be striking up a conversation because of ulterior motives that involve you and lunch.

Another thing I learned in the restroom is that people seem to like washing everything from plates to clothes in there. I mean they just bring in their stuff, drag a bottle of liquid soap, and maybe a towel and hum a few tunes as they wash away.

Even the signs saying, “No Dish Washing Allowed,” doesn’t deter them. The thing I’m worried about is that if any of these guys get any bolder I just might see a Mastiff being bathed in a sink one day.

Another thing I noticed about bathrooms is that it is such a musical place. Even if there isn’t any pumped in music, you can hear tunes being hummed all day long, one of whom is the dishwasher I mentioned earlier.

Then of course, you get the full, all-out songs coming from the locked stalls. They come with second voices, drums, and even the occasional saxophone.

And if you cover your nose, you can probably figure out what the guy had for lunch just by the song he sings.

If he’s singing “Rolling in the Deep” by Adele, he was probably a good boy and ate his vegetables today. But if he’s tearfully bawling out “Please Release Me, Let Me Go” by Engelbert Humperdinck then he most likely had steak for lunch. A word of warning: If the guy in the stall is singing “The Sound of Music” by Julie Andrews, walk right out of there. If he’s doing it with a passionately falsetto voice, run right out of there.

Of all the sounds that I have come across, it is the silence-shattering sound of “Ploop-ploop-ploop” that has me running for the door.

And just when I thought that restrooms were breeding grounds for the next internet singing sensation, I come across the dancers. Yes, you got that right, it’s plural, meaning many.

You’ll find them humming and wriggling to the beat, while trying to scribble words in the urinals.

The most complicated set of synchronized moves was dance a set number following another guy’s rendition of “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black Eyed Peas. And I’ll tell you, some of these guys can get pretty intense when they wiggle in unison. It can get so bad that they splash yellow ink outside the prescribed writing areas.

Then you have the anti-planet people who just wrap roll after roll of toilet paper around their arms before entering a stall. One would think they’d be writing the next set of lost scrolls in there. Having thought of what they write on, I now ponder upon what they will write with.

I just wonder if scientists will be as excited to read what’s on these new ones as they were with the last set of lost scrolls.

Finally there are the overzealous environmentalists who just love to turn off the lights as soon as they get in. Come to think of it, I am skeptical if saving electricity is the point because every time the lights go out someone is sings the words, “The hills are alive…”

Well, there you have it. You now know what I know. You are now an enlightened one, just like I am.

And being an enlightened one, perhaps you will receive this request with the utmost openness: Please… please stop doing the things I described above!