Diary of Kate’s ex-Boyfriend

With the British nuptials taking place in just a few days, has anyone really ever looked at the real story behind why Kate, excuse me, Catherine is marrying Prince William?

It’s not because of the love-at-first-sight thing being reported by all the newspapers and tabloids.

No, it was something deeper; something more shocking than that.

I have recently uncovered classified documents from the Secret Intelligence Service, also known as MI6, documenting the entries in the diary of an ex-boyfriend.

These documents are so explosive that the some of the dates and details were either changed or blacked out when we received them in order to protect the innocent. To provide completeness, we have filled in the blanks based on further careless research.

But in the event that it is not published by Wikileaks due to its sensitivity, remember that you read it first at Anything Under the Sun.

The truth must be told so read on!

Introduction

The following entries were uncovered from an ultra-secret stash of documents kept by MI6 on threats to people of the royal family.

In the succeeding entries, you will find the emotional ranting of an ex-boyfriend who, I understand, has been recently relocated to an undisclosed country to provide humanitarian aid to the rebels there.

This is the story of Hilario S. Pruke, good grandson, better son, and exceptional boyfriend to Catherine Elizabeth Middleton.

And though they have been separated by a great distance, his love for her still endures.

April 21, 2001 Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

First of all, I hate having to do something as stupid as to write in this thing. Not only is it totally childish but it is an affront to my manhood.

But then the court appointed psychiatrist said she would tell the Royal British prosecution lawyers that I’m a sick stalker if I didn’t do it. And everyone knows I am not sick.

Anyway, as I sit in this public cafeteria, guarded by several MI6 agents having crumpets and tea, I am presented with the most horrible sight a table away.

The couple in front of me has done nothing by smooch all morning. And while they don’t do it brazenly, their googly eyes and wandering hands totally disgust me.

It’s as if the police are doing this on purpose; taunting me with things I used to do!

Okay, okay. So maybe I am more envious than disgusted. And why shouldn’t I be? That should be me with a cute girl for the whole world to watch, not him!

Darn that girl for leaving me!

But then she had to go out of the country to study; and I was stupid enough to let her.

But after pleading with me on what would become of her without a proper education, what could I do?

Education is certainly important.

Had I gotten a proper education, I wouldn’t have been caught dyeing the fur of puppies pink and sending them in hermetically sealed containers as an expression of my undying love for her.

Had I stayed in school under that reviled teacher of mine, things would have been different.

But he kept ranting about how slow the postal service was as an example of government efficiency; I just couldn’t take it anymore.

So I gave my consent to her leaving me for a few years on the promise that we would write and talk every day.

And while I could see she was overwhelmed with emotion of having to talk four hours a day, she gave me a choked up “Yes” in the end.

Yours forever,

Hilario S. Pruke
MI6 Suspect Number 2147641

P.S.

I will still answer to the nickname of Kuto, which you christened me in our later days. But my lawyer says I should use my real name so there would be no doubt about the source of this diary.

April 22, 2001 Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

I find myself once more in a coffee shop surrounded by MI6 plainclothes agents sipping tea.

Seeing them imbibe so much liquid makes me wonder how their bladders can contain it without ever needing the relief of a loo all morning.

They probably have great Urinary doctors in the United Kingdom taking care of their agents. Or maybe those bottles of fine golden liquid aren’t entirely made up of ice-cold beer.

Come to think of it, I don’t recall them ordering beer as Starbuck’s is a coffee shop.

Getting back to my painful memories, I am once more on the day my girl gave me her promise to write and talk every single day she was gone.

I recall that her emotions took complete hold of her on that day so I offered to accompany her to the unclaimed baggage section of the airport where I could buy her nice luggage for her trip.

But when she insisted that we only buy brand new items, I put my foot down by saying if that’s what my sweetie wants then that’s what my sweetie’ll get.

So I ended up paying for her thirteen Tumi bags on the Nordstrom web site with my zero interest student credit card.

We almost did not get them as the total amount far exceeded my limit, but a quick call from my terminally ill grandmother to act as a guarantor made it all possible.

Imagine her surprise when all the bags arrived. She probably thought I wouldn’t be able to get them for her as she started borrowing all sorts of bags from her neighbors in desperation.

The only thing I did not consider was that zero interest meant I had to settle my bill immediately, otherwise the credit card company charges exorbitant rates.

But that’s alright; I’ll just have to get an extra job to the three I already have in order to pay for her shoes last year.

I was thinking of being a Diaper Cleaner this summer so I don’t have to travel too far from my toilet cleaning duties at McDonald’s, where we had our first date.

To help keep her loneliness at bay during those cold nights, I bought her five pairs of His and Hers pillows, complete with the kissing bears.

To ease her burden of having to pack all that luggage, I thought it would be a good idea to help her out.

It would be fun as we would take turns sitting on all thirteen bags while the other person attempted to zip them closed.

For some strange reason, she packed her baggage haphazardly by just picking thing up and throwing them in.

Everything from her Home Sweet Home cross stitching to her antique record player got dumped in during her wild state.

One would think that with the way she was doing things, she was leaving the country, and me, permanently.

But I knew better. She’d be back after college and I’d make an honest woman out of her.

And just to remind her about our blissful future together, I signed dedications of love at the bottom of all her thirteen bags when she went to the embassy to get her student Visa.

And since I had enough time, I decided to follow it up with hand-drawn caricatures of what we’d be doing in glow-in-the-dark permanent ink.

Then I individually wrapped each bag in Glad Wrap treated with a pink dye, since that was her favorite color.

That way, none of the bags would get seriously scratched as they slid down the chute in the airport.

Yours forever,

Hilario S. Pruke
MI6 Suspect Number 2147641

April 23, 2001 Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

I was wracked with tension during the hours of her trip.

It started off with her refusal to let me accompany her to the airport. She reasoned that I wouldn’t fit in the cars because of all her luggage and the sheer size of her family.

I found that puzzling because I thought they were only five in the family. And since each of them brought their own car to the airport, there would be enough room for me.

Perhaps it was because all their relatives joined in saying goodbye to her, making it impossible to squeeze in another person for the trip. So it was alright.

After her plane left for Paris, my sleep was wracked with nightmares of her plane plummeting in flames as it flew over the Eiffel tower.

It didn’t help me much that as I stayed awake, reruns of Airplane were being shown on HBO.

And when I heard the Concorde go down, I thought my love had gone down with it.

I was heartbroken and was about to fire up a game of Fallout 3 just to get even with this cruel world.

But when I heard from a friend of a friend of a friend that her plane safely touched down in Scotland, I was relieved she survived.

I immediately called her on her cell phone but for some strange reason, she wasn’t picking up, fueling my fears that a horrible crash may still have taken place over the Scottish tarmac.

But when I used the phone of a friend of a friend of a friend, I was glad to hear her voice as she finally picked up.

Emotional outbursts of “I love you”, “I miss you”, and “Take care” overflowed from my lips over and over again.

And being the sensitive man that I am, I felt that she needed to get off the phone after being told she was being separated from the line and was selected for closer inspection due to her intense phone conversation.

I reluctantly let her go to undergo her cavity search in private.

I know how uncomfortable those things can get, especially if the person searching has huge fingers. That was my constant complaint when I traveled as I always got the guy with the huge hands.

I called her again the next day, making sure to adjust to the local time of Scotland. But when she picked up the phone, she sounded like she had just woken up from a deep and tired sleep.

She would later claim that it was due to jetlag. But I knew better, she just missed being home.

This concerned me because her homesickness came so quickly. I could see her in my mind terribly missing the local food, the local places, and the local culture.

Poor girl; she needs me more than ever now.

I will need to call her at least twice a day now.

And since I am familiar with her bathroom habits, I will avoid calling her at 6:48 am, 10:14 am, 2:44pm, 4:32 pm, and 8:02 pm.

I’ll also need to factor in 9:01 pm, 9:31 pm, 10:02 pm, 10:32 pm, 11: 14 pm, and 12:06 am in case she is out relaxing with friends at the pub.

Yours forever,

Hilario S. Pruke
MI6 Suspect Number 2147641

April 24, 2001 Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

The first few months of her stay were difficult for her.

She felt so bad about it, that she just refused to send over pictures of herself and of her flat because she didn’t want to be reminded of how far away she was from me.

Luckily, I was able to stick a Trojan program in her laptop so it made it easy for me to see her and her place through its built-in camera.

I could see her bed neatly made and the floor as tidy as I remember it to be when she was back home.

I could even see her as she walked around her room studying for exams or modeling clothes, just like models do on the catwalk.

I’ve tried calling her phone when I see it in her hand. And while I hear it ringing on her end through my computer speaker, I may just be mistaken as it might be interference caused by the saturated cell sites of Europe.

I have been sending her e-mail on an hourly basis, only to find out that her account had been deactivated before she left. I’ll have to speak with her GMX Mail provider to get to the bottom of this.

Another problem I have seems to be with Skype.

Whenever am able to catch her, usually at about 8:07 pm, her voice is choppy and out connection keeps cutting off. This is despite the music in the radio behind her streaming sound properly.

I’ve already informed G.B. Telecom about this problem, telling them in no uncertain terms how disappointed I am with their service.

They of course gave the usual excuses that their connection was up and experiencing no problems. But I wasn’t taking any of that.

They even went as far as to suggest that maybe the problem was somewhere else, making me even more furious at them.

Yours forever,

Hilario S. Pruke
MI6 Suspect Number 2147641

April 25, 2001 Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

I see the MI6 agents again as they sit in the Kentucky Fried Chicken branch across the street in their loose suites.

They stick out like anything because everyone else in the place is wearing a light top paired with walking shorts.

Even the women in their section are showing more skin from the waist down than these agents are showing from the neck up.

That would probably explain the constant bullets of perspiration dripping down from their faces, which may have played a role in their switching to KFC Smoothies from their regular tea.

I will keep this entry short, dear diary.

Today is the day I recall catching my fiancée cheating on me with some big bald guy.

To avoid the risk of throwing this laptop at the agents across the street, and thereby leaving this ankle bracelet permanently attached, I will end my entry here.

I can’t tell you how betrayed I feel.

It’s just… just… it’s just too much for me to bear.

Yours forever,

Hilario S. Pruke
MI6 Suspect Number 2147641

April 26, 2001 Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

I remember finally getting a look at the guy I was betrayed for and I could not believe how she could pick him.

I mean, just look at him, he isn’t even good looking at all.

I, on the other hand, look dashing and debonair, especially when my mustache has been properly trimmed by Machismo, my favorite barber at the corner barbershop.

And while his curly hair is blond, he has so little of it. And though my hair is jet black and straight, at least I still have hair in my thirties!

It is so luxurious that after using up all that lice shampoo provided by my skin doctor, girls who walk the street get the urge to touch it after it is perfectly trimmed by, again, Machismo.

And to top it all off, he still lives with his Dad and gets an allowance from his grandmother!

But when I told the love of my life that I lived with my Mom and got an allowance from dear old grandma, she balked at it.

Why we even argued about my so-called dependence for days on end. Now here she is, hooking up with someone even worse than me!

The nerve!

After catching her, I confronted her about her infidelity and she did the worst thing anybody having an affair can do, she told me the truth!

I mean, she could have denied it or something, but no, she had to be honest with me.

Not only that, but she had the gall to say that we were not boyfriend-girlfriend anymore as time and space had separated us for far too long.

I couldn’t believe it; she sounded like she was breaking up with me!

Looking at him, I have absolutely no idea what sees. It’s not like he is a prince and has his own kingdom anyway.

For all she knows, this guy is some junkyard scrap that people avoid when walking the destitute streets of Europe.

Well I hope she ends up with him!

That way all her children end up looking like her husband-to-be: Bald!

Yours forever,

Hilario S. Pruke
MI6 Suspect Number 2147641

April 29, 2001 Diary Entry

Dear Diary,

Kaaaaaaaaate!!!

Come back to me and everything will be alright!

I’ll move out from my Mom’s house and take that Supervisor position at the Pizza Hut Bistro!

I know how you love eating pasta and other Italian food so my being a supervisor will mean I can take home doggie bags for you every night!

Kaaaaaaaaate!!!

Don’t leave me!

I just learned that he is a real prince and may one day have his own kingdom but I forgive you!

While meeting his subjects may be fun at the start, you’ll quickly tire of it all! You’ll develop carpal tunnel syndrome from all that waving and you will need to shoot up with Botox from all that smiling!

Kaaaaaaaaate!!!

I’ll be whoever you want me to be!

I can be a sandwich mascot, I can be a Transformer, and I’ll even dress up as a cheerleader!

Just stay with me forever!

News

Several people, who wish to remain unnamed, say that they witnessed several tall, sharply dressed men dragging out a shorter man from an Ice Cream parlor in the middle of a city.

The man was supposedly screaming the name Kate over and over again before being roughly tossed in to the trunk of a Spectrum Blue Jaguar XJL with vanity plate number 1HAV-UN0W.

On a follow up investigation weeks later, these same, still unwilling-to-be-named, witnesses claim to have seen a man fitting this description in Libya.

Since then, official sightings have included Late Show with David Letterman, Entertainment Weekly, TMZ, Fifth Gear, Yes Magazine, and Tweetbiz Insiders.

Late Breaking News

It is unfortunate that all our photographs were confiscated by, what seemed to be, an operative working outside his jurisdiction.

Our photographers say that one man flashed a badge, grabbed their Nikon D7000 cameras, popped out the SDXC cards, whipped out a Samsung laptop, attached a new card reader, installed the card reader’s drivers, copied the files to the hard drive, sharpened the images in Gimp, corrected the white balance in Paint.net, created a presentation in OpenOffice, burned five DVDs in succession with CDBurnerXP, e-mailed the images with Thunderbird, snail-mailed the DVDs at the post office 80 kilometers away, formatted the cards in FAT using Ubuntu, then returned the erased cards to our photographers in ten seconds flat.

We think he was from MI6 because he had a hint of San Miguel Pale Pilsen Beer breath and spoke in a slurred British accent in the middle of the day.

Even Later Breaking News

We have received an unconfirmed report that that during his waking hours, Kuto continues to express his undying love for Kate in several languages.

When he sleeps, he is said to wail like a banshee getting her teeth drilled without anesthesia about waiting for Kate forever.

Still asleep, he then proceeds to itemize a project plan Kate will need to follow in order for them to meet in a country without an extradition treaty with the United Kingdom.

We are currently working hard to verify these reports.

Help us Help Kuto

Some say that the soon-to-be princess Catherine loves Prince William, but others, who still do not wish to be named, say otherwise.

These people say that Kate was forced to marry Prince William, who is less than half the man compared to the guy who truly loves her.

Perhaps she did it out of spite or maybe because she could not handle that much love from one such man.

We’ll never really know the truth until we get it straight from Kuto. After all, we just report the news not make them.

So if you are a true believer of love, we encourage you to help us in our search for Kuto. The whole story of his experience must be shared with the world.

Join us in exposing the truth and showing the world that love will never die!

 

_______________________
Everyone here at Anything Under the Sun would like to wish Prince William and Princess Catherine congratulations and best wishes on their wedding.

We hope that you stay happily together forever and that you never forget the good lessons your parents taught you.

We also pray that you have a great sense humor and resist the urge to sick MI6 on us. Thank you and may God help us, uh, we mean bless you.