Marriage Changes, Part 3 – The Movies
Compared to others, my marriage is considerably young. However, I have learned so much in such a short amount of time that one can say I already have the minimum number of battle scars.
Lessons like Ladies’ underwear does not grow on trees. Nope. For your information, they grow on hangers and can be found swinging wildly in the bathroom.
[So beware!]
I’ve also learned that granny undies come in different sizes, so long as it is large. And if you thought that your head was large, well, you can stick it in granny underwear and still have enough space for a friend.
[Is that an echo I hear in here?]
But if there is one thing I have learned about being married is never to criticize a movie that is responsible for driving your wife to tears. If this happens to you, do not callously remark, “What the heck is wrong with you?” and expect to get away unscathed.
After being totally embarrassed by your insensitivity, prepare to get the same treatment when watching your favorite action movie. She’ll have her revenge by saying, “How can someone reload a pistol, a shotgun, a machine gun, and a rocket launcher while falling from the top of a skyscraper to shoot every bad guy located on each floor in the forehead with just one bullet before landing safely in the river?”
Not only will she destroy the moment for you, she will shatter your understanding of physics, biology, and psychology all in one callous statement. And the lasting effect of her remark is that your favorite action movie will no longer be your favorite anymore.
[Not my action movie!]
So if you want your memory of Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, and a boatload of other, um, specially trained character actors to remain untainted, say nothing. And once you regain control from being surprised by her emotional barrage, silently sneak out of the room when a weepy movie is playing.
[Noooo! Not my action heroes too!]
So remember newlyweds, do not, under any circumstances ask your wives what is wrong with them when their mascara is running and when their make up is dripping due to tears from watching a weepy movies.
First of all, you’ll never understand the answer to your question. And secondly, you will pay for that mistake with the lives of your favorite action movies.
[Yes, that’s an “s” to denote many, many action movies.]