Time Traveling Travesty

My head was exploding and my brains were about just about shooting out of my ears. I was clutching my wife’s side of the bed but she wasn’t there. But she always sleeps late on Saturday mornings. Where was she? Yargh! I’ll never drink again! I’m too old to binge all night with the guys the night before my birthday. Call me Lou or call me stupid – I wish I never turned forty-four.

My forty-fourth birthday – another age to get used to! Ouch! I’m even thinking too loud. I was gripping my head in both hands to keep my head from rolling off and to plug the brains back into my skull. I scuffled downstairs with one slipper on. Life is not worth finding the other one.

I plopped onto the couch and stared at the blank TV and bookshelves surrounding it. I blinked at it – it stared at me. I wanted it to turn on by itself, but it wouldn’t. It said, “Lou, turn me on, turn me on …” If you have a hangover, and your TV tells you to turn it on, pick up the remote right away. In my condition … I started kissing it. When I got my wits back, and was grateful not to have electrocuted my lips into sisig, I clicked the remote and what I saw shocked me as I hyperventilated myself sober.

I was staring at last week’s news, Mt. Pinatubo erupting again, and there at the top right corner of the TV it said “Live.” I looked at the picture window by the door and it was clean. The ash hadn’t hit Manila yet but I remember being driven in the lahar going home. The announcer said, “Mt. Pinatubo erupted today, its worse since 1991.” At the bottom corner of the screen it said, “October 15” But today is my birthday, October 22. No amount of drinking can make you forget that, it can only make you wish you forgot.

I stumbled into the kitchen for lunch and it smelled like adobo and there was some on the table, with a serving bowl of garlic rice. I knew it! I remember having that last week! I got my birthday wish! I’ve conquered forty-four! … I’ve traveled back in time!

What was that lotto winning number again? What happened to the stock market? Remember! I can’t remember! Somehow all that alcohol scrambled my brains and carried my consciousness into the past, back a week. I’m the only one on Earth who knows what’ll happen this week, the only man who could shoot up to the Forbes 500 from out of nowhere – but if I could only remember!

I regained my balance. I paced back and forth. My one bare foot was grey with dust. It was October 15 and I remember there were no classes and no work because of the eruption. Yeah, that’s it! My wife is picking up our kids. Please, please Honey, I hope you brought masks to filter the dust from their tiny noses. I can’t do anything trapped in the house, you have the car. I know most everything about this week, but it’s useless info stuck here. I watched more news, and as if routine, the newscaster said, “Wear long sleeves to prevent skin irritation. Cover your appliances with plastic to prevent malfunctions. Cover window cracks with rags. Don’t use cars.” Oh no, that’s why my family is late! They must be stalled on the road somewhere, coughing their lungs out!

Get control! But it’s too hot to think, so I turned on the aircon. It wouldn’t start – clogged. So it begins, the lahar has reached me! I stripped down to my briefs and I checked the window sill, a layer of lahar was settling on it as keys were chiming by the front door. They’re home!Dashing toward the door, I tried to leap over, and crashed into, the couch. I flung open the door, it was my family, and their mouths were gaping open wider than the windows! Honey brushed her hair from her disbelieving eyes and pulled her skirt away from the door.

I said, “Honey! Kids! You’re safe! I love you so much!” and I embraced them, tears streaming from my eyes. “I traveled from the future! One week, from October 22, it’s true! I knew Mt. Pinatubo was going to erupt again, like on the TV! See, the lahar is settling around the window. The adobo! I knew you were going to cook it!”

My kids looked at Honey, grabbing her legs, “Mommy?”

Honey said to me, “Lou, put on your pants!”

“Listen Honey, I’m from the future. I just need to clear my head and we can buy stocks. We can join the lottery! We have to. We’ll be richer than you can imagine. Please believe me!”

Honey, still holding the door, said, “What are you talking about?”

I said, “It’s true! Somehow it’s true!”

Honey crossed her arms, because she was cross, and said, “Today is October 22! It’s your birthday, and that TV is your birthday present. It’s a Chinese version of the American Tivo, I’ve digitally recorded the week’s news to test it!”

“But the window?”

“It’s your birthday, I wiped it!”

“But the adobo, now that’s from a week in the past!”

“Leftovers. I couldn’t cook this morning.”

The kids were crying. I asked Honey, “Then what did you do?”

She tried to close the door and just then twenty of my officemates, friends and relatives filed into the living room in barongs and party dresses and cried, “Surprise!”

My loving wife said, “Honey … you drink too much.”