Smelly Seatmate

Roy Orbison said it right when he sang:

Pretty woman walkin down the street
Pretty woman, the kind I like to meet
Pretty woman…

I watched Pretty Woman with Julia Roberts recently and ended up humming that song when a pretty woman passed me by.

But have you ever thought about the next sense that kicks in when a pretty woman passes by? Do you listen to her voice, hoping it will sound as just angelic as she looks? Or do you turn around and follow her with a quick appreciative gaze before getting slapped at the back of your head by your girlfriend?

Well in my case, the next sense that goes on alert is the one used by my nose. Why? Well, women smell good, that’s why!

So the next time a pretty woman walks down the street, think. You may unconsciously be taking a whiff of her intoxicating perfume before any other sense is consciously used.

Source Searching

Which brings me to the topic at hand, which is the woman sitting beside me because for some twisted reason, she smells like a construction worker three out of the five days we are at the office.

The first time I smelled such a pungent odor, I thought that my deodorant had failed me or that my clothes were not washed properly.

But after asking my girlfriend to smell me after work, she said I was fine.

It happened again the two days later, and again, I asked my girlfriend after work to smell me and got a passing grade.

So being cleared of any odor crimes, I was intent on finding the offending party.

And since my area is packed like sardines with people, I focused on the men for my search. Why? The reason is because all men stink. And with three men around me, I was confident on finding the culprit quickly.

Okay, hold it. If you think I’d be going around asking men to raise their arms so I can smell their armpits, you need some serious help you sicko.

No, what I did was turn off the electric fan to allow the air to stagnate. The flies would then have the opportunity to fly towards the odor without the wind. This, my dear readers, would then help me zero in on the offending party.

Found It

And what I found out to be totally shocking. I couldn’t believe that the source of such an offensive odor was the girl sitting beside me. I mean she stunk so much, I thought I could see green vapor rising from her head.

Now I understand why my area always had flies whenever someone borrowed the electric fan. The area probably looked like a smorgasbord to them.

Yes, it was that bad without the fan. So I promptly turned it back on to keep the other people from dropping like flies.

After hearing a few thankful remarks, II then stepped outside the office to be near smoke-belching trucks. The idea of having soot coat my nostrils seemed like a good idea to mask the odor of my seatmate.

And do you know what made things worse? My seatmate isn’t half bad looking.

She is mestiza, with light brown eyes and hair. Her skin’s alright but she really should do something about that wart on the tip of her nose. And while her voice may sound like an old rasp and her clothes look like they are never ironed, she whips up a mean Chicken Adobo.

Ahhh, Chicken Adobo… Sorry, I haven’t had lunch yet so my mind is beginning to drift.

Shouldn’t Be

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that no woman, and I mean no woman, should smell like a man. But on the freak-of-nature type of thing that it is possible, no woman should ever smell worse than a man. It’s just shouldn’t be.

The last time a female of the species smelled worse than the male, there was mass extinction.

And now that you kids know the real reason why the dinosaurs died out millions of years ago, if we don’t do something about this problem, the human race may face extinction as well.

You’re probably saying that I’m blowing things out of proportion and that I shouldn’t panic, right? I mean like it is only one woman that smells like squeezed sweat socks and armpit juice. And one woman can’t bring down the human race, right?

Think again!

World-wide Conspiracy

The main reason scientists never told you the real story behind the mass extinction of the dinosaurs is if the truth ever came out, there would be widespread panic. And once it starts, it will snowball around the world and become unstoppable.

The problem is so serious that a special operations team has been commissioned by the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-secret, king of the world.

Yes, folks, Leonardo DiCaprio knows what’s going on. And he has hired the best to keep the human race alive by keeping the secret of smelly women, well, a secret.

So the next time you watch the movie, keep in mind that the king of the world is watching us; watching all of us to preserve the human race from imminent extinction.

Now hold that thought as I have a quick lunch.

What To Do

As pasta slid down my throat to land in a pool of overactive digestive juices, I realized that I needed to help the king of the world save humanity.

And since a chain is only as strong as its link, I needed to do something about my smelly seatmate.

So I came up with a few ideas on how to save humanity.

Make Gestures

Whenever the words smell, stink, and odor come up, I’d pause to create an uncomfortable silence then look at her.

When she turns around and can see me with the corner of her eye, I would make faces, point at her with my finger, then use the same finger under my nose to indicate smelliness.

But then, she doesn’t take hints and may just be a waste of time.

So this option is out.

Wear a Gas Mask

Another option I thought of is to wear a gas mask to the office. And while it won’t filter out the smell entirely, walking around in it may help me make it through three of the five days she smells.

And whenever she doesn’t smell, I can remove the mask so she gets the picture with my pattern.

But like I mentioned, she’s rather dense and probably won’t get it.

I’ll have to skip this option as well.

Light a Candle

Another option is to put a candle on her side of the table.

For those of you who don’t know, candles can be used to burn away foul odors. They are also used to help keep away flies, which is one of the reasons they are found on restaurant tables.

My only concern with using a candle is that my seatmate may spontaneously combust. And once aflame, she will most likely run around and burn everyone else in the room.

Scratch that idea too.

Use Air Fresheners

I can buy a huge bottle of air freshener and spray her area right after she sits down.

Hopefully, the scent of cherry blossoms mixed, hot chocolate, and wild Musk of Golden Retriever will cover the smell.

I’ll also make sure to spend a few extra seconds spraying her so the scent stays longer.

While this seems promising, industrial-strength air fresheners cost a lot. Not to mention, I’ll need one big enough to require a wheelbarrow. And since our office door isn’t that wide, it’ll be impractical to use.

So scratch out this one too.

Give Perfume

I could pool some of my cash together and buy a huge bottle of perfume.

The bottle can then be left on her desk, with her name on the tag or wrapped in gift paper.

The only problem is that it isn’t her birthday and I already got her a token Christmas gift so I’m not too keen spending additional cash on her.

Besides that, if my girlfriend found out I’m buying perfume for another girl when she herself doesn’t get anything from me, it could mean curtains for me.

So I can’t use this option either.

Give Deodorant

Another option is to buy a huge bottle of male deodorant. I’ll skip the female brands because the smell definitely isn’t feminine.

And just like my perfume idea, the bottle can then be left on her desk, with her name on the tag or wrapped in gift paper.

However, I also face the same problem is that it isn’t her birthday and I already got her a Christmas gift.

And besides, who gives a bottle of deodorant as a gift anyway?

So again, I can’t use this option.

Use More Fans

Another option is to use more electric fan, positioning them in such a way that her smell is blown away from me.

The problem is that everyone in my office will be on the receiving end and they won’t be happy with it.

So this one is out of the question too.

Tell Her

Well, I could of course tell her she has a smell so bad, pigs flee from her. But that wouldn’t be polite; no siree.

Besides, this article is written like an overly-done spy movie wherein we need to go through a really complicated process to solve a simple problem. Then before it is poorly executed, everyone will have to be told about the secret plan, just so everyone is in on it.

So telling her is definitely out of the question because it is too simple, too obvious, and devoid of any creativity.

Final Thoughts

Well, its five thirty in the afternoon on a Friday. And as I pack my stuff, I still haven’t made a decision on what to do.

And since I excel at procrastinating, I will avoid making a decision for as long as I can.

For now, I will get as far away from her as I possibly can. I will enjoy my weekend, confident that my olfactory glands will not be subjected to punishing bombardment for two odor-free days.

Before I go, I would just like to say that for those of you in the same situation, you are not alone. I too suffer silently.

But keeping this secret is the sacrifice we must all bear to keep the human race safe. So think of your family! Think of your country! Think of your world! Think of humanity! Then buckle down and make the sacrifices needed.

So for all you women out there, if your seatmate appears to be going through the options I listed above, you may want to take baths once a day, change clothes more often, and use perfume a bit more.

Till next time, happy smelling.